Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
You Might Also Like
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.