Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

Body by cheese-puffs.

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons