Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
You Might Also Like
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Hmm, not sure about this change
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.