Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
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Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero