Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

❤️🦆

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.