Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

i love modern commerce

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight