Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

Twitter fine art

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

😤😤

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song