Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector