[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
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Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
*limbos away from your hug*
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
this has done me in for some reason
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
#CoronaOutbreak
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.