Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To work on his pecks.