Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

The Compass

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

is it too early for christmas memes

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

🖕🏻👽

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles