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Tell the people what she wore…
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[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
moms in horror movies
This could be us… but you playing
Worst perfume name ever.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON