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Tell the people what she wore…
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Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
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