Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep