Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

🤣

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.