Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.