Txt my wife to ask if the gardener came & how 5yo’s 1st day of school was.

She txt back “He’s naked on the couch”.

I’m afraid to ask who..

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My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.


This motel air conditioner has seen some things…


Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.


Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.


me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is


Considering we’ve produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I’m more surprised other countries haven’t built a wall around the U.S.


Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’


Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.


Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready

Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*

Model: Who the hell are you