@AristotlesNZ

Txt my wife to ask if the gardener came & how 5yo’s 1st day of school was.

She txt back “He’s naked on the couch”.

I’m afraid to ask who..

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@Parkerlawyer

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

@drayzze

This motel air conditioner has seen some things…

@steveolivas

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

@Carmel_Coleman

Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.

@murrman5

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

@Phook75

Considering we’ve produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I’m more surprised other countries haven’t built a wall around the U.S.

@EndhooS

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

@SaraESpivey

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

@Browtweaten

Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready

Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*

Model: Who the hell are you