Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
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Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
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I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.