*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
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“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?