Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

pep talk

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Donkey Kong sommelier

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.