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50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I’m awake but I object,
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Room with a view.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married