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the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different