Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

Lol.

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

Hell yeah 👍

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster