Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
You Might Also Like
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant