Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
That’s easy for you to say
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Chicago sounds lovely.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
