Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:

* Hot buttery death!

* HR will hear about this!

* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!

* Brenda!

* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

based al yankovic

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.