Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a![]()
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When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Wait a second…
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Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
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me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Happy birthday to all the women
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
So inspired right now.
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Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
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Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill