Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have a lovely day 😊

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

This is the best one I’ve seen

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.