*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
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The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Saving my good tweets for marriage
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”