Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no