Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
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Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
waiting for halloween be like:
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?