Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
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Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?