Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

couldn’t resist

🤣

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator