Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
You Might Also Like
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Why am I like this?
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”