Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”