typical orange cat and void cat behavior
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i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
💀💀💀💀
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
When I face a minor setback
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum