typical orange cat and void cat behavior
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A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that