typical orange cat and void cat behavior
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Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
The struggle is real.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please