Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”