*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
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If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
＿| ⊃／(＿＿_
／ └-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?