*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
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French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Jus’ sayin. 😐
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.