Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

Jesus steals the winter solstice

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*