Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

😂

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.