[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
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I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t