typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
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We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
dating is so overrated. let’s just get married
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings