typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
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Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Facebook memories be like
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*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.