Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

dutch is not a serious language

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

problems i need

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.