Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

Me :

All Day At Night

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.