Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

My first son he is wonderful

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people