Typos are what differentiates is from robots
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ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”
and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
🤣🤣💀
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??