Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
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Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*