Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
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I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
BRAKING NEWS!!
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.