Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
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When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
selfie game
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
finally found a reasonable question
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy