Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seems a bit forward

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.