TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
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If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Hmm 🧐
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”