Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

A new level of troll.

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*