uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
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Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
that colleague who touches your screen
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.