Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd