u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
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My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
The booster protects against what, now?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat