u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
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not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?
Fake Gnus
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?