Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.