@GrantTanaka: u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like "here, take this." also, why are u buying soap
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@SondraDeeMe: [vet office] ME: *puts cat on counter* He's sick VET: How so? ME: Look *cat's arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
@TheMichaelRock: Radio: The purge has begun. For the next 12 hours, all crime is legal. Me[gets in the 10 items or less line with 11 items] this is exhilarating!
@Marlebean: Today, a man looked me right in the face & said "You're not hot!" Actually it was a cop &he said "Here's your ticket. Have a nice evening."
@Billhenry16: I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it: "I wish my Wife was this Dirty".