u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
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I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
How wrong was this guy?
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Oh yeah that’s it
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen