u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
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Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
and now we wait
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
what are they serving at kfc then???
