u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
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To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
another case of gang violins
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”