u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
You Might Also Like
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
million dollar idea: worm dehorser