@Tayallderdice

U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months

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@NicestHippo

ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well

@LoveNLunchmeat

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

@jackmackenroth

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

@WheelTod

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

@daemonic3

dentist: today we’re going to do dental impressions

me: ok, tOdAY wE’Re GoiNg tO Do DEnTaL IMprEsSioNs

dentist: haha, i mean of your teeth

[later]

dentist: [crying to hygienist] do i really sound like that

@Aspersioncast

My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.

@thepaulasuzanne

You can’t build a roaring fire out of fish sticks. Well, you can, but you shouldn’t.

@iGreenMonk

Good things come to those who wait, except for those who wait for the bus.