U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months

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Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.


Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!


Tell me more about these male enhancement pills…
Will they help me chop wood better? How about pelts?
Will I know how to make pelts?


don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*


her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow


Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere


The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.


*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*


ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days


ME: This car’s perfect except for one thing
WIFE: Yes, there’s no room for the childre-
ME: [finds cup holder] lol I was wrong, it’s perfect