ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well
U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months
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No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
dentist: today we’re going to do dental impressions
me: ok, tOdAY wE’Re GoiNg tO Do DEnTaL IMprEsSioNs
dentist: haha, i mean of your teeth
dentist: [crying to hygienist] do i really sound like that
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.
You can’t build a roaring fire out of fish sticks. Well, you can, but you shouldn’t.
Good things come to those who wait, except for those who wait for the bus.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife