@Tayallderdice

U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months

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@DaddyJew

Please keep my son in your prayers, he walked out of the house with only 3% battery left on his kindle and judging by his reaction this is the end of the world. Prayers

@Brampersandon_

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?

@turtledumplin

8yo: mommy how old are you?

Me: 46

8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?

@AndyAsAdjective

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

@princess_snide

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

@KeepsItRustic

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

@Fred_Delicious

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]