Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
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If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23