Please keep my son in your prayers, he walked out of the house with only 3% battery left on his kindle and judging by his reaction this is the end of the world. Prayers
U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months
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How did the date go?
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?
8yo: mommy how old are you?
8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
It’s okay Pluto I am not a planet either.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]