@Tayallderdice

U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months

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@Cheeseboy22

Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.

@StellaRtwot

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

@thenatewolf

Tell me more about these male enhancement pills…
Will they help me chop wood better? How about pelts?
Will I know how to make pelts?

@lisaxy424

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

@ClichedOut

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

@TuSoonShakur

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

@TheTweetOfGod

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

@DanMentos

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

@T_N_Crumpets

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

@ArfMeasures

ME: This car’s perfect except for one thing
WIFE: Yes, there’s no room for the childre-
ME: [finds cup holder] lol I was wrong, it’s perfect