U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
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Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!