U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
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“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
about to have the best blueberries of my life
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
*gets down on one knee*
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?