U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
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I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
applying for a new job
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?