“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
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what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion