“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
You Might Also Like
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
TRAIN’S HERE
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.