“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
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guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*